I am thankful for having such great folks that have helped me a lot during the past year. Besides, who else's parents would have bought them the following during a visit to a soap store?

[ Bitch Bar Soap ]

This is not the first novelty soap my step-father has gotten for me. Last Christmas, I received the following:

[ A Gay Bar Soap ]

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

In T-Shirt Hell's most recent newsletter they decide to give thanks during this holiday season.

This time of year I think about what I'm thankful for. I'm thankful that I'm not a young kid with cancer whose last wish was to spend time with Michael Jackson. Kid's are so stupid. He should have asked for Justin Timberlake, or that whore Christina Aguilera. Either way he would have gotten his dick sucked.

I'm glad I wasn't home when Scott Peterson called to see if I wanted to go fishing with him last Christmas.

I'm glad I only take cooking tips, not stock tips from my neighbor, Martha Stewart. Here's an inside tip on Martha; she loves a good fisting, followed by being filled with a half gallon of milk…and then fisted again so that the milk is pushed out.

I'm glad my sex tape with the Hilton sisters has not been made public. (It's not that exciting. It's just Nikki laughing and pointing, while Paris rubs my back and assures me it happens to a lot of guys.) Fuck you Nikki. Your handbags are all derivative.

But mostly I'm glad I have you, my loyal customer base. Glad that at the end of the month after blowing most of your paycheck on lube, cocaine, and midget entertainers, you still have something left over to buy the occasional t-shirt. Plus, when I think about your desperate lives, my life looks even better in comparison.

So why not head over to T-Shirt Hell and purchase something for the holidays. After all, nothing says "I love you" like an offensive shirt you know your fucked up friends and family will love

I would like to send a special fuck you! greeting to the person who invented the cotton mattress cover. You know, that thin cotton sheet with the elastic trim that fits around your mattress under your primary sheet.

Thanks to you, I just spent a good ten minutes this early morning contorted on my bed in positions one should never have to be in alone. For that matter, it seems like this device was designed for installation by two (or more) people, never mind the single person of today. Is it not possible that it be just slightly larger to make putting it on a hair easier and without the need to involve clothes pins, heavy objects and enough language to make a sailor blush?

Of course the real icing on the cake of bedroom irony will be that after a few days of non-rambunctious solo sleeping, that damn cover will hardly be covering the mattress in fifty percent of its corners. We can send many men to the moon, yet the elusive mattress cover is still needing a good Kennedy speech to kick-start an evolution.

As you may recall I took a Saturday trip not too far back to the nearby city of Clermont to walk around the historic downtown, visit the Citrus Tower and just generally enjoy a relaxing day. The last stop on that trip was to the Lakeridge Winery where my friend and I sampled many of their wines and took a tour of their production facility. Below is a letter I recently received in the mail from them.

Dear David,

Congratulations on being the winner of our weekly Gift Certificate drawing. This letter may be redeemed at the winery for $25.00 in merchandise. Thank you for you coming in, we hope to see you again soon.

Dedicated to your good taste;

Kyle S. Johnson
Retail Manager

Well how about that! I think I can take another little trip out that way to pick up some more bottles of wine. Especially since I also got hired today; details on that to come later.